Giving: how 392,621 couples answered
Each couple falls into exactly one of six outcomes, ordered from strongest agreement (left) to mutual decline (right).
Give n = 392,621 couples. Cell percentages are rounded to one decimal and may not sum to exactly 100%.
Receiving: how 403,710 couples answered
A separate question answered by a separate set of couples. The two samples are never merged.
Receive n = 403,710 couples. Cell percentages are rounded to one decimal and may not sum to exactly 100%.
Side by side
| Outcome | Give | Receive |
|---|---|---|
| Both yes | 44.7% | 55.1% |
| One yes, one maybe | 27.0% | 24.0% |
| Both maybe | 7.3% | 3.8% |
| One yes, one no | 11.8% | 11.5% |
| One maybe, one no | 6.3% | 3.5% |
| Both no | 2.9% | 2.0% |
| No explicit no | 79.0% | 82.9% |
Read together, the two matrices say something simple: appetite for dirty talk is real but lopsided toward receiving. More couples both want to be talked to that way (55.1%) than both want to do the talking (44.7%). The giving side also carries more hesitation — 7.3% of couples were both-maybe on giving, nearly double the 3.8% on receiving — which fits the idea that producing the words feels riskier than enjoying them. Each grouping below is summed from its displayed cells, so the figures reconcile by addition.
- No explicit no — 79.0% giving, 82.9% receiving. Pairings where neither partner refused. A maybe indicates openness or uncertainty, not consent — these couples have a conversation ahead of them, not a settled plan.
- Disagreement involving a no — 18.1% giving, 15.0% receiving. One partner open, the other declining. More common on the giving side.
- Mutual no — 2.9% giving, 2.0% receiving. Both partners declined.
Men led on both sides — the pattern does not flip
It would be neat if men preferred one role and women the other, but the data does not show that. Men were more likely than women to say yes on both questions, with the larger gap on giving.
Said yes, by respondent group and side
Give: men n = 487,220, women n = 449,418. Receive: men n = 508,906, women n = 453,423. The gender gap is 8.3 points on giving and 6.4 points on receiving — both real and statistically robust at this scale, and both in the same direction. Respondents who did not state a gender (about 35% of answers on each side) said yes at 63.2% on giving and 70.7% on receiving; they are counted in the couple and overall totals but excluded from the men-versus-women comparison.
In mixed-gender couples the marginals are suggestive of a workable fit — men were somewhat more willing to do the talking, and most women were open to hearing it — but this is an inference from population averages, not a measured within-couple match. Spicer records each question's couple agreement separately and does not cross-tabulate one partner's giving answer against the other's receiving answer, so we describe the overall rates, not who paired with whom.
More couples want to be talked to that way than want to do the talking. The harder ask is usually the giving.
What the finding suggests
The receiving-over-giving gap is the practical heart of this report. Plenty of people would enjoy hearing it and feel less sure about saying it — which means many couples are quietly waiting for the other to start. The 27.0% who landed one-yes-one-maybe on giving are the clearest case: one partner is willing, the other is curious but unsure, and the distance is usually a small first attempt rather than a real disagreement.
In context
Saying out loud what you want is one of the most direct forms of sexual communication, and disclosing desires is reliably associated with feeling closer and more satisfied.[1] Writers on long-term desire add that eroticism in established relationships tends to need deliberate expression rather than waiting for it to arrive on its own.[2]
What this suggests couples can do
Start small on the giving side
Because the bottleneck is producing the words rather than wanting to hear them, the lowest-pressure move is a small first attempt — a short phrase rather than a performance. Treating it as feedback in the moment, not a script to nail, lowers the stakes of the very thing most couples hesitate over.[1]
Say what you'd like to hear
If more people want to receive than to give, the simplest unlock is telling a partner what you would actually like said. Framing it as an invitation — what you enjoy hearing — rather than a critique keeps it collaborative, and naming it directly is often what lets it happen at all.[2]
How the counts fit together
Giving: of 1,450,865 individual answers, 1,165,376 came from users with a linked partner; the other 285,489 sit outside the couple analysis. The give figures rest on 392,621 couples (785,242 partner responses), so 67.4% of linked users had a partner who also answered. Receiving: of 1,473,606 answers, 1,192,118 came from linked users and 281,488 did not; the receive figures rest on 403,710 couples (807,420 partner responses), a 67.7% pairing rate. On each side, roughly 35% of respondents did not state a gender and are excluded from the men-versus-women comparison but kept in the couple and overall totals.
References
- Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
- Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins.