Waking a partner: how 430,000 couples answered
Each couple falls into exactly one of six outcomes, ordered from strongest agreement (left) to mutual decline (right).
Give (waking) n = 430,000 couples. Cell percentages are rounded to one decimal and may not sum to exactly 100%.
Being woken: how 466,488 couples answered
A separate question answered by a separate set of couples. The two samples are never merged.
Receive (being woken) n = 466,488 couples. Cell percentages are rounded to one decimal and may not sum to exactly 100%.
Side by side
| Outcome | Wake partner | Be woken |
|---|---|---|
| Both yes | 64.6% | 58.0% |
| One yes, one maybe | 17.0% | 17.7% |
| Both maybe | 1.6% | 1.4% |
| One yes, one no | 12.2% | 18.4% |
| One maybe, one no | 2.3% | 2.4% |
| Both no | 2.3% | 2.2% |
| No explicit no | 83.2% | 77.1% |
The two sides tell slightly different stories. Couples agree more readily about doing the waking than about being woken, and the receiving side carries more outright disagreement. Each grouping below is summed from its displayed cells, so the figures reconcile by addition.
- No explicit no — 83.2% waking, 77.1% being woken. Pairings where neither partner refused. A maybe indicates openness or uncertainty, not consent — and for this question in particular, even a clear yes is an agreement to be confirmed, not a settled green light.
- Disagreement involving a no — 14.5% waking, 20.8% being woken. One partner open, the other declining. Notably higher on the receiving side: more people are unsure about being woken than about doing the waking.
- Mutual no — 2.3% waking, 2.2% being woken. Both partners declined.
The gender pattern: large, and the same direction on both sides
Unlike some paired questions, the preference here does not reverse by gender. Men were likelier than women to want this in both roles — and the gap was widest of all on being woken.
Said yes, by respondent group and side
Wake: men n = 533,526, women n = 477,888. Be woken: men n = 571,278, women n = 515,278. Men were higher in both roles — by 13.0 points on waking and 23.2 points on being woken — and the underlying score averages confirm the same direction on each side. The gap on being woken is the widest single-question gender difference in our series. Respondents who did not state a gender (about 37–38% of answers on each side) said yes at 74.6% on waking and 73.2% on being woken; they are counted in the couple and overall totals but excluded from the men-versus-women comparison.
The most striking number is women's lower enthusiasm for being woken (64.7%, against 87.9% of men). It is a population average, not a rule about any individual or couple, and the apparent fit between men wanting to be woken and women being readier to do the waking is an inference from marginals — Spicer measures each question separately and does not join one partner's answer to the other's. But it points to why this topic, more than most, rewards an explicit conversation rather than assumption.
A yes to being woken is an invitation made in advance — and an invitation can always be declined in the moment.
What the finding suggests
Interest in being woken with sex is high overall, but it is the question in our series where wanting and willingness diverge most by gender, and where the receiving side draws the most hesitation. The 17–18% of couples who landed one-yes-one-maybe on each side are not in conflict so much as mid-conversation — and this is a topic where that conversation needs to be specific.
Why consent is the heart of this one
Every other report in this series involves two awake partners. This one does not: the person being woken is asleep when it begins. That makes a prior yes essential and also limited — it is permission to be confirmed, never assumed, and either partner can change their mind at any point. Agreeing the specifics in advance, and keeping the freedom to stop, is not a caveat here; it is the activity.
What this suggests couples can do
Agree on it awake, in advance, and specifically
If this appeals to you both, the conversation belongs well before the moment: what is welcome, what is not, and a clear understanding that a standing yes can be withdrawn at any time without explanation. Talking openly about what each partner wants is consistently linked to feeling closer, and here it is also what makes the idea workable at all.[1]
Treat hesitation as a full answer
Because women in the data were markedly less sure about being woken, assumption is the wrong default. A maybe or a no on this question is complete in itself — a reason to set the idea down, not to persuade. Where there is mutual enthusiasm, naming it as a shared plan rather than a surprise is what keeps it safe and welcome.[2]
How the counts fit together
Waking a partner: of 1,633,536 individual answers, 1,264,935 came from users with a linked partner; the other 368,601 sit outside the couple analysis. The waking figures rest on 430,000 couples (860,000 partner responses), so 68.0% of linked users had a partner who also answered. Being woken: of 1,728,651 answers, 1,348,804 came from linked users and 379,847 did not; the being-woken figures rest on 466,488 couples (932,976 partner responses), a 69.2% pairing rate. On each side, roughly 37–38% of respondents did not state a gender and are excluded from the men-versus-women comparison but kept in the couple and overall totals.
References
- Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
- Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins.